Another Christmas

The Christmas celebrations are closing in, a time those of us who have lost someone dread.

Your absence Kristopher is heightened. Truthfully no day passes where a longing for you does not exist. The empty chair at the table bristles  reminding me you  won’t ever sit on it again. I could move the chair away but that action would deny your once treasured existence.

Leading up to Christmas I notice things you might like.  Presents I am  tempted to purchase  just in case you turn up this year. Grief does that it taunts me making me irrational.

I make an intention each year to keep Kris’s spirit alive. I work to appreciate my life and the life I shared with him, grey hair, wrinkles and all. I intend to carry my memories into my old age. I juggle my emotions between the joy of life and my inescapable grief and sadness at his death and constant absence.

This year my celebration of  Christmas will take place in Glasgow, a new adventure, new vistas to broaden my landscape of experiences without Kris. For the first time Jaime, Tezz and I will relish time together surrounded by crisp white scenery eating haggis and listening to bagpipes.

The shadow of death never leaves me it is cast across my path in ever-changing shapes. I am changed forever, I am stronger yet weak, I am wiser with less sense, I am santa every year. 

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